We too, we married a Barbarian

Would you be disappointed if I told you that Quay Po and Quay Lo are just an ordinary couple like many others out there, who have their trying times? Well I got an email from a reader.  She asked me if our love story is true and does that really exist in real life or is it just a fairy tale. She said it is too good to be true!  Although I do not owe anyone an explanation, I felt I need to clear her doubts. If she has this thought, I am sure that, there may be other readers of mine that might have them too. 

If you want an insight into what life is like to be married to a person of a different culture, you might want to read the book titled "I married a Barbarian." It is a heart-warming true story by a British man, and his wife, a proud Chinese lady. I can relate to their story because there were so many familiar situations and little aggravations that we faced, much like the marriage they write about.

Our marriage, like many others is not a always a bed of roses.  If marriage within the same culture needs lots of understanding and patience to stay intact, what do you think a mixed cultural marriage will entail?  Trust me, it is a challenge for Quay Lo and Quay Po to stay married for 15 years but that is true of any marriage. There are new challenges everyday and they are on going. It will not stop until one or the other of us expire. Only then, the one remaining can claim the victory for having a lasting marriage if there is a victory to claim. But it is the process, not the destination, that is our reward. So, why didn’t I blog about the challenges of our marriage and why only write about all the beautiful things? Think about this; if you were I, wouldn’t you do the same? Who would want to wash their dirty linen in public and if you are a reader, how long before you would stop coming here to hear my complaints? The truth is that we are more successful at achieving happiness if we never lose sight of the good things in our lives. Research has shown that the happiest people, are people who feel a sense of gratitude.  So I will let you decide whether this is a fairy tale or it is real.  Just remember, the pursuit of a happy life often revolves around the pursuit of ideals (such as gratitude). Our success is often tied to our own ideas about what those ideals are.  Also remember that love is a bond that, like steel, must be tempered. If challenges in our lives make us stronger, then we should draw comfort from knowing that. Our ideals of understanding, forgiveness, respect, and deep abiding love, must be strengthened by challenges if it is to be truly lasting. Quay Lo and I are still on that journey and our love still abides. We are both thankful.

Since I am on this topic, I might as well share with you an article I read in the early stage of our marriage. Obviously it was during one of our trying times when I was searching for answers that I found it.  I wished Quay Lo and I had read it before we got married.  Knowing these "rules" could definitely help a married couple avoid a lot of conflicts and would have enabled them to handle their cultural differences better. 

The author of this article is an American and his wife is Japanese. Unfortunately, I only saved the rules but  did not record the name of the author. If I had I would credit him, and furthermore, may have even tried to reach him and thank him.

Rule #1: Don't assume that your interest in your partner's culture will last, or that it will somehow prevent conflicts from occurring. 
Never underestimate the depth of the roots of your own upbringing. Sure, it's possible to change (given enough time and enough effort). But no matter how deep you dig, you will always be you. Your beliefs, your emotions, your priorities, in short, your whole approach to life, are shaped by the culture in which you were brought up. This leads to the obvious:

Rule #2: Don't assume that the other person will change significantly just because of the relationship or because of your charming influence.

Some degree of cross-polinization is bound to occur between two people who share an intimate relationship but when you start to expect change, then you start to get into big trouble. The best thing you can do for each other is to acknowledge the fact that conflicts will occur and will often occur for the simplest and most unexpected reasons.

That said, it should be quite obvious that you will want to find out as much as you possibly can about your potential partner and his or her lifestyle. You would be surprised how much is taken for granted in typical marriages, even among partners of the same background. What priority does the extended family play in the couple's life, how are family decisions made, how much free time (time apart from each other) is considered normal for the partners, etc.

Rule #3: Don't assume anything. Make sure you discuss with your partner every aspect of your future life together.
Also, don't assume that when your partner says something is unimportant that it does not have to be discussed. Those areas are often the most important things to discuss. The fact that something is 'not important' may be a signal that one or both of you are making an assumption about the way some aspect of life will turn out based on your own past experience. Well, you might as well toss that 'past experience' right out the window because your partner and you, by definition, do not share the same past or the same experience. And that brings me to the next rule:

Rule #4: If your partner refuses to discuss a subject openly, treat that as a big red flag and find out why.
The beliefs people hold most dear are the ones which they are least likely to want to discuss with someone else. Unless you're prepared to cheerfully accept whatever ideas or beliefs your partner may consider most important, I'd suggest you at least find out what those beliefs are before jumping into a permanent relationship with that person.

And I'm not talking only about religious beliefs (which may be important in their own right) but also beliefs about how life should be lived. Those things which you or your partner might call 'common sense'. Well, the term common sense covers a lot of ground and is often based on those underlying assumptions we have been trying to hard not to look at. The only things that are actually common are things like not standing in front of a speeding truck or not walking into an empty elevator shaft.

For example, if you are very involved in a group which supports a particular cause but your partner sees this as one of your 'hobbies' -- and if he or she has been brought up to believe that when two people marry they will give up the 'hobbies' of their younger days. And if you wait until after you are married to find out that all this is only 'common sense' then you may well find yourself in a difficult situation real fast. Or if you find out that it is considered 'common sense' that you should give up your dream of starting that business and instead work as a corporate grunt in order to provide security for the family because that's the way everyone else from your partner's country behaves -- my friend, you've found out way too late.

Rule #5:  Make it a point to talk about some tough topics (like money, raising children, where to live, etc.) before making those wedding arrangements.

Look, the stuff is going to come up sooner or later. Start an argument or two. Find out what it's like to fight by your partner's rules. No amount of love or respect is going to keep your ship from hitting the icebergs of life. You might as well know whether you will be able to work together toward a solution when the inevitable crisis comes up.

Rule #6: Make sure that between the two of you, there is at least one language in which you are both fluent.
This is very important. As a test, try taking some very subtle feeling or belief and explain it to your potential mate. Have him or her explain it back. If there is not a substantial understanding of what you explained, watch out. If either of you are unable to explain the subtle emotions that come up in a relationship without causing some misunderstanding, then you will be in for a very hard, if not impossible, road through life. Wait a while until one or the other of you is able to achieve a good degree of fluency in the other's language.

After all, would you hook up permanently with someone whose face you had never seen? Not many of us would. Then how come we will so readily hook up with a partner whose soul we have never seen?

Rule #7: Examine your own motives.
Is this someone you would hook up with even if you were safe and happy in your own country? If you are the partner who is trying to live in another culture, remember this: Culture shock can do funny things to a normally rational mind. Sure you're lonely, sure there are things about your surroundings that you just can't seem to figure out, sure your partner makes everything seem safe by filling you in on the subtle nuances of his or her culture. That's the formula for a perfect couple, right? Wrong. What you have is a parent or a teacher, not a lover. And it's all too easy to overlook the previous seven rules when it seems so obvious that this is the 'prefect' person for you.

If you see this happening to you, stop. Postpone any comittment. Get yourself comfortable with your surroundings. Disarm the 'conveninece' in the relationship and then see what you think. Learn more about the subtle parts of your partner's culture and then decide if you can tolerate, work with, and actually love that person because they are different and not despite those differences.

Rule #8: Lay the family finances out on the table and plan out your budget for at least your first couple of years together.

Why? Even in single-culture marriages, money seems to be the biggest problem in making decisions together. In my experience, money is even more important in an Asian family. There are enough differences in family finance between Western and Asian cultures that you should really want to know how your betrothed thinks in terms of family finance. And why not get a head start on the inevitable. After all, it's going to be both of you in this together so you might as well start now.

Of course, you can figure that if you make it past the first couple of years (the most intense part of the learning curve when it comes to finding out about all the differences in your ideas and background), you can pretty much go back to planning things by the seats of your respective pants.

Rule #9: Don't underestimate the importance of keeping good relations with your partner's parents.
This is especially true if your partner is the one from an Asian Countries (or some other non-Western culture). It seems that we in the US (and I can hardly speak for any other Western cultures) have developed a great deal of independence from our families. We hardly notice, and sometimes don't even care, what our parents think of our choice in partners. However, the same is not true with the Asian or other non-Western culture. There is still a great deal of synergy between parent and offspring, even well after they have left the nest and formed families of their own.

I have personally seen a well-functioning extended family of a mixed Asian/American couple. I must say, I was more than a little jealous of the warmth and support my friend's parents showed toward her American husband and I began to appreciate how important family contact and support can be when one has already, by virtue of entering an inter-racial relationship, struck out against the tide of social mediocrity.

And the worse thing that can happen is to have your partner's parents (or your own) constantly undermining the relationship, either consciously or not. If you can't get their active support then at least settle for passive acceptance. Anything less should be a sign of trouble ahead.

Rule #10: Be ready to help your partner through the inevitable rough spots.

Well, okay, this is sound advice for any couple. But just remember that you both will be setting out on an adventure -- a full-time first-hand learning experience in the other person's cultural labyrinth. None of us, I am convinced, ever really appreciates how many things we learn about life when we are young and that we take for granted every day. We consider many of these things just plain 'common sense' but they're only common if you and your partner have common backgrounds. Expect the unexpected. Then you won't be disappointed.

Rule #11: Forget about any rules.
If you have come this far and still intend to undertake this major life project, then may your experience be one of constant joy and wonder. And if you happen to be one of those for whom an inter-racial marriage has turned out well, I would certainly love to hear from you. Learning up-close about another person can be simultaneously the greatest adventure of your life and the greatest challenge."

I hope I have answered the question asked about our love story. Though imperfect, it is these imperfections that draw us together, more than tears us apart. In that regard we both feel blessed. 

Believe me, cooking a cross cultural dish is way more easy than facing challenges in a cross cultural marriage. Since this is New Year Day, I give myself a break and not cook or bake at all. May I share with you one dish that I did last year? I believe a lot of my new readers might have missed this one. A dish that pleases both the Western and Asian palette. 

Sui Kow (Dumplings) with 

QPC wasabi mayo red pepper sauce

Click on the photo to get the recipe

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